As Valentine’s Day approached this past year, I found myself reflecting on the previous year’s same holiday. My husband and I found ourselves in Duluth for an important meeting, which happened to be on Valentine’s Day. We decided to make a date of it and asked my mom to watch our toddler boys overnight so that we could stay in Duluth an extra day. The meeting, a multi-hour event, was the not-so-romantic part of our trip, however, we did get to stay at a resort overnight and had some time to explore Duluth, get dinner, and enjoy some much needed quality time. 

At that time, my husband and I had prayerfully discerned that we needed to be in a season of avoiding pregnancy, which we were doing using the practice of natural family planning (NFP). NFP is the Church approved method for spacing children or discerning family size as a Catholic married couple. The USCCB (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops) states that, “NFP methods are based on the observations of the naturally occurring signs and symptoms of fertile and infertile phases of the woman’s menstrual cycle. No drugs, devices, or surgical procedures are used to avoid pregnancy.” Because of this, “Methods of NFP respect the love-giving (unitive) and life-giving (procreative) nature of the conjugal act, thus supporting God’s design for married love.” 

As it happened, we were indeed in our fertile window over that weekend. In the moment, that felt like a worst-case scenario. I mean, how often would we be staying at a resort over Valentine’s weekend without our children? As I was reflecting back on how that particular aspect of the weekend proved to be challenging, I found myself feeling very grateful for the Church’s teachings on NFP and sexuality within marriage. 

Saying “yes” to the Lord in that moment meant denying our flesh and practicing self-mastery over this area of our relationship. By saying “no” to our desires (which are natural, good, and holy but need to be rightly ordered even within marriage) we were actually loving each other better and putting the good of our family first. If we had given in to that desire, we would have, in a sense, been saying “no” to God. He was asking us to wait on His timing so that we could now, a year later, bear the fruit of another “yes” to Him. And don’t get me wrong—any child that would have been a result of our actions that weekend would absolutely be a blessing and a gift. And God would have honored our free will in that moment. But it also means that we wouldn’t have conceived this child that I am now carrying in my womb a year later. 

Abstinence in marriage fosters loving desire over lust and self-denial over instant gratification. Looking back, that weekend was no less romantic because “we didn’t get to have sex.” After all, intimacy is about being seen, known, and loved. And that physical piece is only one part of a more wholistic view of intimacy within marriage, which include the spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative, and emotional aspects of intimacy (SPICE). 

 While the Church doesn’t require Catholic couples to use NFP (you can certainly choose to not use it as long as you don’t contracept) it does, however, invite married couples to “responsible parenthood.” In paragraph 2368 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church it says, “A particular aspect of this responsibility (the call to give life) concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood.” Additionally, in his encyclical letter, Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI writes, “Responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.” 

Using NFP might not be the easiest or most convenient “option” for family planning, but it is the most sanctifying. Utilizing NFP in our marriage has taught us how to discern better, how to be more attuned to the voice of the Holy Spirit, and how to lean into a deeper prayer life. As married persons, family planning with prayerful discernment is a central part of our vocation and a path to holiness. It is both responding to the Lord with obedience in the seasons of waiting and giving a generous “yes” in seasons in which He is asking us to trust in Him. 

Hannah Saeger is a wife, mother, FertilityCare Practitioner, and author of God Made Me Good.